Ten Assumptions by Novice Tops that Affect a Fisting Session
If you have limited fisting experience, your first session as a top may result in a “Failure to Launch” if you harbor any of the following assumptions. You should adjust your mindset to ensure your first encounter won’t be your last.
- Assuming the top is in control of the session.
- Assuming that fisting is primarily a BDSM activity.
- Assuming anything about lube, but particularly application.
- Assuming a manicure is needed prior to fisting, or assuming a manicure is sufficient for fisting.
- Assuming the depiction of fisting in porn is anything close to the actual fisting experience.
- Assuming all holes and all bottoms are the same.
- Assuming the bottom knows what is happening inside and outside his hole.
- Assuming that minor details don’t matter.
- Assuming timing and synchronicity is irrelevant.
- Assuming fisting is a ‘cakewalk’ for the bottom and thus undervaluing his contribution, commitment, and efforts.
Assumption 01: The top controls the session.
This assumption is usually manifest by the choice of words used by inexperienced or virgin tops. Phrases such as ‘I know what I’m doing’, ‘This isn’t my first rodeo’, ‘No pain, no gain,’ ‘You are my play toy,’ and similar language are always red flags. Taking offense to any type of instruction or advice from the bottom is also an indicator that the top does not understand role dynamics in fisting.
The act of fisting is substantially more dangerous than fucking. Failure to follow basic etiquette, practices, and standards can render a bottom out of commission for months. If you, as a novice top, feel frustrated that your bottom is acting like the top, or that he refuses to offer his hole up for your gratification, then fisting isn’t for you.
The bottom is always in control, even in situations where he identifies as the submissive partner. Quite frankly, bottom and submissive are not synonymous in fisting.
Assumption 02: Fisting is a BDSM activity.
In a recent survey, less than five percent of participants identified fisting as a BDSM activity. When broken down into four categories: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism, and None of the Above, less than 1% classified fisting as a sadomasochistic relationship. Bondage/Discipline and Dominance/Submission garnered less than 5% combined. In fact, the poll allowed respondents to choose more than one answer and 95% responded that fisting was ‘None of the Above.’
If you are approaching fisting as a form of extreme dynamics and tortuous behavior, you will be blackballed very early in your journey.
Assumption 03: Fucking and fisting lube practices are similar to each other.
First, throw almost everything you know about lube out the window. While you are at it, throw your lubes used for fucking ass along with it. From selection to application to reapplication to clean up, very few parallels to anal sex are applicable.
The most egregious error is using lube sparingly. Most fisting lubes go bad after a day or two, so there is no need to save it for another day. A dollop will not do. It IS NOT like applying hand lotion. In fact, once finished with your initial lube application, lube should be dripping your hand and his crack. Expect to use at least 125 ml or half a cup, if not more, during the session.
Other common errors include lack of frequent reapplication, ramping up intensity without adding lube, mixing lubes between bottoms, or ‘coating’ errors. Bottoms are picky about lubes: undercoating on either the hole or hand causes drag and pinching, failing to allow solid lubes to melt and absorb has a similar effect, spreading lube on every surface in the play area can be an irritant to the bottom or your host, and failing to clean up the bottom and the play area are rookie mistakes.
Remember to reapply often. If the bottom asks you for more lube, you’ve failed as a top.
Assumption 04: A manicure is needed prior to fisting and is sufficient for fisting.
A manicure will leave a few millimeters of the distal (far edge) of the nail intact. This allows you the ability to scratch and claw things as nature designed. For fisting, this is unacceptable. If you can open a soda can after prepping your nails, they are too long for hole play.
Trimming your nails as close as possible to the finger. File the top and side edges smooth after cutting. If you can feel them on your palm or your tongue, they are too sharp.
Pro-tip: If you want to make your bottom happier, apply lotion at least two hours prior to the start of the session. This will soften your hands and decrease drag when entering his hole.
Assumption 05: Fisting in porn is similar to actual, real-life fisting.
Very few bottoms can take a fist like it is done in porn. There are hours and hours of footage that never leaves the editing room floor. Those discarded scenes are the actual reality of fisting. They include things such as false starts, slow starts, bottoms providing instruction, warm up periods, breaks, poop, follow-up clean outs and bloopers.
Porn also divorces communication from fisting. Communication is sloppy and boring to watch on film but is an absolute necessity–-especially during your first session. If you aren’t talking with your bottom, asking questions, validating procedures and expressing your thoughts, concerns, and emotions, then fisting will never be an activity that others will enjoy with you as the top.
Assumption 06: All holes and all bottoms are the same.
They aren’t. While a majority of bottoms enjoy shallow play that may eventually culminate in punches, others do not. Some guys just want depth. Some want immediate punches. Some want dinner and a movie first. You won’t know unless you ask BEFORE the session gets underway.
Likewise, some holes have long warm up routines while others are zero-to-elbow in ninety seconds. Again, you won’t know unless you ask in advance. You can’t assume that the hole you are in will remotely resemble the next hole you dip your paw into.
It’s best to ask in advance if there are any tips or tricks to the bottom’s hole. It’s not a sign of weakness but a sign of good technique to do so.
Incidentally, most holes last less than an hour or two and need breaks throughout the session. Don’t force your bottom to demand a break. Ask how his hole is doing about every fifteen minutes and if it needs a break.
Assumption 07: The bottom knows exactly what is happening inside and outside his hole.
This is perhaps the most science-oriented part of this post. A bottom can feel your hand and wrist at the first ring using multiple senses and nerve receptors. This includes the soft and definitive touch receptors around the anal canal and temperature and pressure sensors inside the rectum. If you are near a bone or skeletal muscle, proprioceptors provide some feedback due to location and movement. Anything deeper provides limited sensation which is primarily due to pressure.
Within the rectum, a bottom cannot tell what position your hand is in, and when blindfolded and deprived of other senses, it may be difficult for him to tell how deep you are. The point is that you cannot assume he knows exactly what you are doing in his fist chute.
Perforations happen when narrow pointy things such as fingers catch the intestine in an unexpected way. Blunt objects, such as a closed fist and some toys, can also cause damage by tearing holes and tissue around rings or uncharted territory in the colon.
If you aren’t discussing with your bottom what your experience and technique is, you could really do some damage. Over time as you gain more experience, the need to be super explicit about what is happening inside your bottoms’ chutes will diminishes.
FYI: Your bottom may sense something is ‘off’, but without communication, he will not know what exactly what is wrong.
Assumption 08: Minor details don’t matter.
A key tip to a successful fisting is making sure the bottom is 100% comfortable. Temperature, lighting, position, cleanliness, scents, music, nails, banter, and attitude can make a big difference in the outcome of the session. Ignoring these details is a recipe for failure.
When you are consumed by other things, both of you are unable to get into the zone that is needed for a successful session.
Assumption 09: Timing and synchronicity are irrelevant.
Timing is critical. The hole dictates the pace of the session. Forcing entry before the bottom is ready will cause the hole to close up. Novice tops typically have not developed the ability to read the signals a hole provides to indicate it is hungry for something more. The bottom must identify these signals.
Once the hole is open, three mistakes are common: failing to take advantage of additional cues from the hole; failing to coordinate movement (whether it be with background music, respirations, or the sway of the sling), and missing the opportunities provided by popper-inhalation (you have a very limited window to take advantage of the effects of that drug).
You may think these mistakes seem trivial; however, your bottom will have limited patience once you receive instruction otherwise. Repeating these mistakes will hamper the productivity and pleasure of a session.
Assumption 10: All the bottom does is clean out; after which, it’s all pleasure for him.
In order to play with you, your bottom modifies his diet. He subjects his hole to an often-tortuous clean-out routine. He inhales fumes that are hazardous to his health. He injects lube that may be full of carcinogens. He exposes his body to practices it wasn’t designed for. He dedicates time to teaching technique & etiquette. And, he exposes his hole to a potentially life-threatening incident should you fuck up.
Offer some respect and gratitude during your session. For starters, if you get shit on your hand, don’t have a shit fit. It will happen sooner or later as you continue on your fisting journey. Handle it with discretion. Also, if your bottom asks you to do something, do it, and do it immediately. Don’t wait in order to demonstrate your ability, skill, or dominance. Finally, clean him up and help him up after the session is over.
Keep these things in mind, as they are also disrespectful:
- If you cancel within six hours of the session, you are a dick.
- If you ghost your bottom, you are a prick.
- If you fail to listen to your bottom, you are an ass.
- If you fail to learn, your hand won’t see many other holes.
As a virgin or novice top, you should expect a lot of coaching and should not be afraid or embarrassed to ask questions. Trim your nails, be courteous, follow your bottom’s lead.